The Art of Letting Go
Holding on is a natural human instinct. We all do it. Just as a child clings to a parent for safety and comfort, we all cling to the familiar - emotions, stories, relationships, identities - as a way to find stability in an unpredictable world.
But change is inevitable and things don’t always turn out the way we intend. That dream job turns out to be unfulfilling, that romantic relationship evolves into something much more practical, and we all get older. Our best efforts to keep things the same can’t stop the inevitable change from occurring. Our emotions, desires, relationships, stories, and identities all change with time, if we let them.
Our grasping gives us a (false) sense of control.
And if we try to keep things as they were, our grasping gives us a (false) sense of control. In reality, holding on is a form of denial. It prevents us from accepting the world as it is, keeps us from adapting, and makes us suffer.
The physical dimension
There is a strong link between the physical act of holding onto an object and the concept of holding on to emotions, ideas, or stories. When we hold an object, our hand muscles tense or contract to maintain our grip. When we hold onto abstractions, our bodies also tense and contract, just in a subtler way. Now imagine holding an object for hours, days, or even years. It sounds exhausting, but this is precisely what many of us do when we hold onto stories or emotions.
Years of Tai Chi training has helped me become aware of the subtle tensions I carry in my body, and to work on releasing them. The martial element of Tai Chi has been particularly helpful for me because it provides direct feedback. When I tense up, my opponent can more easily throw me off balance. The more I release all tension in my body, the more I can sense and exploit tension or other errors in my opponent. This kind of training makes the advantages of release much clearer.
Just as emotions are names we give to feelings in our body, mental or emotional grasping also manifests in the body as physical feelings.
And as I have become more aware of the tension in my body, I have also started to notice how they relate to other parts of my life. Just as emotions are names we give to feelings in our body, mental or emotional grasping also manifests in the body as physical feelings. The feeling of holding onto a story or emotion can feel like tension, rigidity, contraction, or closing. We all respond differently, but science, medicine, and experience increasingly agree that it all shows up in our bodies.
Is it always bad to hold on?
Holding on is a natural instinct, and it can feel really good, too. Holding onto anger can feel righteous. Fear can feel familiar or necessary. Love and joy are positive experiences that we want more of in our lives. Various stories we tell ourselves – about who we are, our future destinies, the “truth” of the world, and more – can be incredibly comforting. They help us make sense of a chaotic and lonely existence. But holding on holds us back.
When we hold on to stories – about ourselves, the people in our lives, or the world – we become rigid and stop growing.
When we hold onto emotions, we prevent our feelings from ebbing and flowing naturally, in response to new developments in our lives. These “stuck” emotions can start to define us (as angry, fearful, or bitter, for example). When we hold on to stories – about ourselves, the people in our lives, or the world – we become rigid and stop growing. The more we resist the ever-changing world, the more we feel anxious.
What about positive emotions like joy or love?
When I was very young, I remember swimming with friends on a hot summer day. We laughed, splashed, and played in the sun. Later, when the sun went down and the air got colder, I wanted to keep playing. Sunburned, hungry, and shivering, I refused to admit that the fun day I was having might be drawing to a close. I had to be dragged away, crying for just 10 more minutes. My attempt to hold onto and prolong my joy ended in tears. Such is life.
Love suffers too, if we hold it too tightly. In my childhood, I had various friends whose parents were overprotective. These friends missed out on many of the joys of youth – playdates, sleepovers, unsupervised adventures in the park, and more, because their parents’ love was overbearing. One friend in particular, an only child, expressed such deep anger and resentment toward his parents, that he talked constantly about cutting them out of his life when he grew up. They weren’t abusive, but by holding their love for their only son too tightly, they actually poisoned the relationship.
Trying to hold anything too tightly stifles it.
If you look closely, you will find that trying to hold anything too tightly stifles it. Love and joy are meant to be felt deeply, but not to be controlled. When we hold them lightly, these emotions are alive within us and flow naturally. But we cannot hold onto these feelings any more than we can grasp a handful of water.
When we hold onto things, we put ourselves into a state of resistance against reality. We want to control things, but we can’t. We have to let go.
First, be aware (that you’re holding on)
As always, the first step is awareness. Pay attention when you're feeling tense, anxious, or irritable. These are often signs that you're clinging to something. Observe your thoughts - are you rehashing the past or fantasizing about a future of your own design? Are you replaying the same story in your mind again and again?
Check in with your body - are you clenching your jaw, tensing your shoulders, or breathing shallowly? Do you feel a sinking or tightening in your stomach or chest? People feel things in different ways, but there is usually a pattern to your own body’s responses. Pay close attention to the sensations in your body and they will often signal what is happening in your subconscious.
Pay attention when you're feeling tense, anxious, or irritable. These are often signs that you're clinging to something.
When you notice yourself feeling tense, instead of asking yourself why am I anxious, try reframing the question to what am I holding onto? This is a great question to ask yourself any time, but especially when you’re anxious.
If you catch yourself holding onto something, take it as a cue to pause. It’s OK. You don't have to change your thoughts or emotions or make them go away. In fact, trying to control them is just another form of grasping. It’s a form of holding on to how we think we’re supposed to be.
Thoughts and emotions are like the weather – sometimes calm, sometimes stormy. When a hurricane comes, it can feel overwhelming. But if we wait, the storm always passes. Often, it leaves a rainbow or a dazzling sunset in its wake. We just have to be patient.
We can also speed this process up by learning the (simple but challenging) art of letting go.
Release
If we’re holding a ball but want to drop it, how do we do that? Release our hand muscles. We don’t have to throw the ball or push it away. And it’s not enough to think the words “let go.” We have to actually release our hand. It’s a physical act.
The same is true for letting go of thoughts, stories, or emotions. Pushing them away doesn’t work. Letting go can seem impossible when we're in the grip of strong emotions or familiar thought patterns, so anything that helps us calm down first will make it easier to let go.
The act of letting go of thoughts, emotions, or stories works very similarly to letting go of a ball. We hold tension in different places in our bodies – back, shoulders, neck, and hips are common – so I can’t tell you exactly where to release, but if you’re holding on, then that tension will show up somewhere in your body. You’ll know you’ve really let go when you feel a sense of physical release or relaxation in your body.
It felt like a wave of relief and relaxation coursing down his body. After so much time spent worrying and resisting, he could finally just let it go.
One of my clients suffers from a pretty severe medical condition that makes his daily life difficult. He has a lot to be frustrated about, but fighting reality hasn’t done him any good. He recently told me that he had been reflecting deeply on this idea of letting go, and then he experienced a kind of epiphany. He finally recognized that he cannot control his situation, and that’s OK. In that moment, it felt like a wave of relief and relaxation coursing down his body. After so much time spent worrying and resisting, he could finally just let it go. And it didn’t mean he had to give up on life! Now he could work with his life rather than against it.
While I make it sound simple, it certainly isn’t easy. Release is a skill that can take a lifetime to master. But with practice, we can all get better at it. First we have to notice we’re holding on, then we can focus on letting it go – whatever it is – with our mind, body, and entire being. Every time we let something go, we get a little better at life.
Here are a few suggestions for developing this skill:
Embrace impermanence
You don’t need to live every moment as if it’s your last or maintain a constant state of mystical freedom. Just remembering the impermanence of all things is enough to prime you.
"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." -Heraclitus
Everything in life is temporary. Change is the only constant. When you accept this truth, it becomes easier to let go gracefully. Good times pass, and so do the bad times. When we deeply accept the fleeting nature of all things, it's easier to enjoy the moment without grasping.
Everything is in flux, ever-changing - fighting this truth only creates struggle. As Heraclitus said, "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man."
Cultivate a daily practice
One of the best ways to learn the art of letting go is to engage in a daily practice that gets us out of our heads and into a state of flow. Whether it's tai chi, yoga, meditation, sports, painting, music, dance, archery, flower arranging, or anything else, activities that require our full presence have a way of loosening the mind's grip.
When we're fully immersed in the moment, there's no room for clinging to the past or worrying about the future.
When we're fully immersed in the moment, there's no room for clinging to the past or worrying about the future. To go there, we have to let go of everything and fully commit to our practice.
Consistency is key. Even if it's just for 10 or 20 minutes a day, regular focused practice helps train our bodies and minds to let go of our grasping. Over time, that foundation starts to spill over into everything else. We become more adept at catching ourselves in the act of holding on, and more skilled at gracefully letting go.
As a tai chi practitioner, I am biased toward this particular art as one that I think is especially well-suited for practicing release. Tai chi training tools such as standing postures, slow-motion forms, and pushing hands, help develop a practitioner’s awareness of body tension. And the art treats physical release (“sung” in Chinese) as a specific skill to be cultivated.
While tai chi is a particularly useful practice, it is certainly not the only way to get better at letting go.
Conclusion
The less tightly we hold on, the more we're able to relax into the adventure of our unfolding lives. Letting go isn't always easy, but with time it can become a gratifying way of moving through the world.
The Taoist sage Lao Tse wrote that “The Tao never does anything, yet through it all things are done.”
This paradox - doing nothing and yet everything at the same time - reflects the nature of life. We cannot control events, and trying to do so (grasping) is a fool’s errand. But that does not mean we are doomed to a passive existence. By finding a place of release (non-attachment to outcomes), awareness, and intention, we can influence the world.
Here we come to the confusing Taoist concept of Wu Wei. I will discuss it more in the future, but for now, it is translated as effortless effort and it tells us that aligning with the universe can enable us to do big things without willfulness or “grinding” effort. Letting go – of stories, outcomes, control, etc – is a key part of Wu Wei.
As you practice letting go, accepting things as they are, and working with the world rather than against it, you'll find yourself becoming more adaptable, resilient, and content.
As you practice letting go, accepting things as they are, and working with the world rather than against it, you'll find yourself becoming more adaptable, resilient, and content. You may also find that pursuing goals while letting go of outcomes actually helps you perform better.
I encourage everyone to explore the life-changing practice of letting go. It is as rewarding as it is challenging. And if you feel stuck, don’t worry. Sometimes we all need a little support in learning to loosen our grip. We would be happy to help!
