It’s All a Story
Everything you think you know, everything you think is true, it’s all just a story.
Day after day for all the years of our conscious lives, we move through the world, narrating in our heads as we go. Those words are our stories of what is happening around us and inside us. They become our story.
If we’re good and faithful observers of reality, our stories can be relatively truthful. But they’re never going to be the absolute whole truth. We can’t see all the infinite complexity of reality, much less put it into words.
We can’t see all the infinite complexity of reality, much less put it into words.
What’s wrong with that? Nothing.
Not only is it OK that we are constantly telling ourselves stories, it’s necessary. We couldn’t live any other way. We need our stories to help us function and give us meaning. Literally everybody does this. We live inside stories a little like a fish lives in water. Except that while the fish dies if it leaves the water, we can step out of our stories. When we do, it’s incredibly empowering.
Story vs truth
Most people believe that their own stories are the truth.
But truth and reality aren’t so easy to pin down. Sure, facts exist. I’m not denying that. But we rarely confine our stories to just the facts. We start with facts and transition smoothly into analysis and interpretation. We do it without even noticing.
Most people believe that their own stories are the truth.
Brenda is walking down the street when she passes Janet, a colleague from work. Janet looks right at Brenda but doesn’t even acknowledge her existence. Brenda thinks, why did she snub me? I wonder if she’s mad at me for the way I argued against her idea in the last staff meeting.
It’s not so hard to see that the “mad about staff meeting” part is a story. But the snub is a story too. Janet’s mind could have been a million miles away, such that she didn’t notice Brenda. Or maybe Janet noticed Brenda and nodded to her, but Brenda missed it. Or maybe a hundred other things. the two women walked past each other without speaking to each other, and the rest is interpretation.
Truth is tricky
We like to pretend that “reality” is obvious. Just believe your eyes and use common sense. But consider this: Over thousands of years, humans have built up elaborate systems to help us identify truth.
Most famously, we have the scientific method. Many people make the mistake of thinking that science is “the truth,” but that’s not quite right. Science is a process that people use to try to identify truth. That’s why it’s called a method!
Over thousands of years, humans have built up elaborate systems to help us identify truth.
At various times, scientists believed the sun revolved around the Earth, the universe was static, disease was caused by bad humors, and any number of other things that later turned out to be just plain wrong. More commonly, scientists have given us theories that really do help explain and predict the world, like Isaac Newton’s classical mechanics, which later turned out to only be rough approximations of reality.
Generation after generation, scientists have told us that now we have it right. But (so far), it has never been the truth. Science has given us ever evolving and improving stories (which science calls theories) that get us closer to the truth. But even after centuries, there’s still so much we don’t know. It’s not clear if it’s even possible for us to know the ultimate truths of the universe.
It’s not clear if it’s even possible for us to know the ultimate truths of the universe.
If this makes me sound like I am science skeptical, I assure you, I’m not. Science is awesome and we should all learn to use it. But it’s just a tool that helps us find stories that are better, closer to the truth, and more useful. Also, science takes a hell of a lot of work, because real truth is surprisingly elusive.
Another way we try to find truth is through the legal system. Is Bob guilty of a crime? Some say yes, others say no. The defense and prosecution each try to tell the most compelling story they can, bolstered by evidence. There are even scientists testifying on both sides. With rules, procedures, and a judge to help ensure fairness, a jury takes it all in and decides what they think is true. This system works pretty well, but we have to invest enormous resources into it. And we also know that juries make mistakes.
If even our best truth-finding institutions have a hard time with truth, then we as individuals should be cautious about thinking we know what is really true.
The nature of reality is a question philosophers and mystics have spent whole lifetimes exploring. The point here is that we invest a lot of time and energy in figuring out the truth, but it’s still a struggle. If even our best truth-finding institutions have a hard time with truth, then we as individuals should be cautious about thinking we know what is really true.
Story is sticky
While “truth” is tricky, “story” is much easier to notice. Once we realize how stories work, we can start to see them everywhere. And the ability to identify a story as a story is one of the most important life skills anybody can ever learn.
Media personalities sometimes say that “facts don’t care about your feelings.” That’s true, but it might be a little bit backward. It might be better to say that our feelings don’t care about the facts. Neuroscientists tell us that information moves through our brain starting with sensory input, through emotional centers, like the limbic system, and only later reaches our rational thought centers in the frontal cortex. In other words, we feel things, then our minds automatically make up a story to explain why we feel that way.
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
The brilliance of this Maya Angelou quote is that she recognizes how powerful and sticky emotions are. A person’s words or actions might be the objective truth of a situation, but we’re emotional creatures and we often fixate more on our emotional reactions than on the actual facts.
We feel things, then our minds automatically make up a story to explain why we feel that way.
When Janet walks past without saying hello, Brenda feels hurt and then tells herself she feels hurt because Janet snubbed her. The snub is just a story, but to Brenda, it feels real and her story “makes sense.” Those two become a mutually reinforcing cycle. Unless, of course, she notices this dynamic. If Brenda is aware enough, she can stop and ask herself if there might be another more innocent explanation for Janet’s behavior. If she identifies a new story, she can let go of feeling hurt. In this way, awareness of the cycle of feelings and story creates an opportunity to choose a new story that is more accurate, more useful, or both.
Awareness is the key
Pay attention to your emotions, because they’re the origin of your stories. Notice what you’re feeling. Are you angry? Afraid? Joyful? These emotions are literally feelings in our bodies.
Emotions are literally feelings in our bodies.
If you look carefully, you’ll probably find that whatever you’re already feeling tends to manifest in the world. Feeling impatient? Everybody will get in your way. Feeling angry? People in the world will all act like jerks. Feeling calm and joyful? The people you encounter in the world will be kinder and more pleasant.
If you look carefully, you’ll probably find that whatever you’re already feeling tends to manifest in the world.
With that awareness in mind, you can remember that the words in your head are a story that your mind automatically creates to justify how you feel. We all feel justified in our stories. That’s normal, and it’s exactly how stories work. But our feelings of rightness don’t mean our stories are actually “right” or “true.”
Here are two tips that we can use to help remind us to notice our stories:
First, pay attention to moral judgements. Shakespeare memorably wrote that “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Reality is value neutral. Values and judgements always indicate a story. It’s ok to judge things. But it’s good to notice that we’re telling ourselves stories. It can help us slow down, consider how our stories might be prejudiced by emotion, and consider how we might be wrong.
Reality is value neutral. Values and judgements always indicate a story.
Second, pay attention to the common archetypes that show up in stories. Just like the fairytales and other stories of childhood, our day-to-day stories are full of narratives about heroes, villains, and victims. These roles are very much in the eye of the beholder and are not very factual. Objective reality doesn’t have any heroes, victims, or villains. These stories can be relatively truthful, and they can be useful, but it’s hard to evaluate the usefulness of a story unless you can first recognize that it is a story.
Objective reality doesn’t have any heroes, victims, or villains.
Hitler was a really terrible guy who did awful things and he should be condemned. Yes, this is just a story. Having recognized that, I can also say it’s a useful story that aligns with my values and helps steer society away from cruelty, violence, and suffering.
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” - Henry Ford
Some stories are helpful, others are not. Awareness of story gives us a chance to consciously choose between the two.
Conclusion
Plato’s allegory of the cave illustrates how our stories can imprison us. In this ancient story, people born and confined in a cave mistakenly believe that shadows on the cave walls are “real” and the outside world (which they’ve never seen) is made up. Plato was pointing to how easily people can confuse stories with reality.
Stories are how we rationalize our emotions, so paying attention to our emotions is a great way to notice our stories. I sometimes ask myself why do I feel this way? Whatever comes into my mind next is the story inside of which I am currently living.
Stories are how we rationalize our emotions, so paying attention to our emotions is a great way to notice our stories.
Once I’ve noticed a story, I like to ask myself two big questions. First, how (relatively) truthful do I think this story is? What are the facts and how well does my story truly align with them? Are there other possible interpretations? Might there be a better, more truthful story that fits the facts?
Second, how useful is this story? Does it make me feel empowered to take action, or does it leave me feeling helpless? Does it feed my higher values or my base instincts? Does this story align with the person I want to be?
The logical conclusion of noticing stories is that we might as well hold them lightly. When we’re unaware, we blindly assume our stories are valid. Once we become aware, we can slow down and evaluate their truthfulness and usefulness. If a story isn’t demonstrably truthful or personally useful (or both), then there’s no reason to keep it. The next step is to let it go (another important life skill which I will discuss in the future).
When we’re unaware, we blindly assume our stories are valid. Once we become aware, we can slow down and evaluate their truthfulness and usefulness.
Awareness of story is empowering. Not only does it free us from the prison of unconscious stories, it’s also an opportunity to consciously choose new stories that will serve us better. This is simple but not easy. Emotions are powerful and persistent. Awareness and letting go are skills that require time and effort to master. But these skills are well worth the effort. They might be the most valuable investments we could ever make.
